I started to have intimate relationships at the age of 15.
Once I got on the birth control pill, I felt as if I had a free ticket to explore all directions of this vital life force energy inside of me, with 99.9% safety of not getting pregnant.
I never was into one-night stands but I shared a lot of intimacy with different partners over the last 20+ years without many breaks in between.
Some of these connections were beautiful, loving and pleasurable. Others were without heart, porn-like and not very mindful.
I have always had a strong sexual energy and no idea how to deal with it. This is of course very attractive for men, but my longing for deeper love often stayed unsatisfied.
Over time I felt I had lost sense of who I am as a woman, what my own energy felt like and what I actually needed to attract a balanced and harmonious partnership.
I was experiencing unhealthy attachment patterns and excessive thinking about men in my field. I used to create love stories without any built-in reality check.
Why is it like this?
Of course, there are various reasons, but here is one I would like to shed some light on.
We exchange energy with the people around us, whether we are aware of it or not. This subtle transfer becomes intensified during sex through close physical contact and the mixing of body fluids.
The sexual centre of a woman is receptive by its nature.
If we look at the shape of our genitals it becomes very clear. The vagina receives the penis and holds the man inside of her.
With this deep intimate merging we also absorb his energy, sperm, suppressed emotions, energy from other lovers or past lovers. Here the entanglement of open or polyamorous relationships becomes very interesting, but that’s another topic.
It’s said that women absorb and retain DNA from every man they have sex with, and that a woman keeps the energy of past lovers inside of her Womb for 7 years!
For men it is supposed to be only 1 month. That makes a lot of sense, as the nature of masculine sexuality is penetrative.
So generally speaking, a woman is prone to take on more energy during sex than a man. And I guess if you are a women reading this you will know the feeling of “he is still inside of me”.
As I had my first spiritual awakenings and entered the path of Tantra and feminine embodiment, and learned about all the Womb wisdom above, I realised how unconscious and often unloving I had been with myself, my body and my Womb.
After my previous relationship ended I decided to press the pause bottom.
What started as an undefined time became 1 year.
Half way through I learned about the shamanic grandmothers in the jungles of South America, and how they recommend a period of 13 months of celibacy for a woman on her feminine spiritual path in order to access the essence of her own feminine body temple and its connection to source.
What did I learn over 1 year of conscious celibacy?
I faced my loneliness.
I got lots of time being with myself and looking deeply inside. I was confronted with the painful reality of my belief that much of my self-confidence, worth and happiness were dependent on whether there was a man at my side or not.
I encountered my need to be loved.
My whole life I had done everything in order to be loved, especially in relationships with men, when I often completely forgot about myself, my needs, desires, values and boundaries. I used to turn myself upside down inside out in order to make things work.
I discovered my tendency to move into intimacy too quickly.
To fill my loneliness and to have a short experience of being loved. Just because it feels so good, exciting, passionate and special. But as we all know, fire burns fast and usually leaves a huge chaos.
I realised that I believed that no man can truly meet me.
That I am too strong, too independent, that I expect too much. I noticed my tendency to withdraw and judge, instead of sharing my feelings and creating the desired intimacy I was looking for, and through this allowing him to meet me.
I thought I didn’t deserve it all.
The privilege of being on this spiritual journey, the freedom of how I live my life and also share that with someone in a solid commitment. Being successful in my work and having a balanced and harmonious partnership.
What else happened?
My work started to blossom.
I channelled all the energy I usually used to be entangled in romantic relationships into my creations. I taught 2 Tantric Bodywork Immersions, 1 Feminine Awakening Retreat, 9 Womb Awakening Workshops, I ran 1 Yoni Love Temple online course, I had lot’s of private sessions and coachings, launched my first Facilitator Training for Women “Leading from the Womb” and way more is lined up for 2020.
I dedicated all my time and energy to be with myself and listen to what my heart truly wants in any moment.
It’s not that there were no possibilities, there were a lot.
I shared physical intimacy with a few men but without going into sexual intercourse. If the “ultimate goal” is taken out of sexuality there is a whole new universe to explore.
Slowing down also creates time to get to know each other more deeply, and connections that are not aligned dissolve by themselves very quickly.
My physical, energetic and emotional body went through a deep clearing and healing. And my whole Womb space feels so happy like never before!
How to survive being celibate?
Make sure you get enough physical intimacy with others.
The longing for physical intimacy is one of the main reasons women think they “need” a man or sex, but we can share physical intimacy with friends as well, especially other women.
We can exchange loving, nurturing and non-sexual touch, we can hold each other, have long hugs and cuddles.
In addition to that, regularly receiving massages and bodywork sessions, including Tantric bodywork, helped me to keep my oxytocin levels balanced.
Making intimacy with yourself a priority.
You will become your point of focus. Being with yourself in a caring and loving way.
You will spend time alone, observing yourself, experiencing all your feelings, journaling. Ask yourself: “What do I need? What do I desire? What brings me joy?”
Hold your little girl close to your heart and take her to all the places you would love a man to take you.
Do sensual self-love practices.
Yoni Egg practice, nourishing breast massage, breast meditation, self-touch practice, Womb meditation and Yoni massage will connect you more with yourself, your own love energy and pleasure.
Gift yourself a Yoni wand. Trust me you won’t regret it!
Ask for support.
I started to work with a coach. Coaching women myself I know how valuable it is to have someone next to you who has your back.
She asked the right questions, helped me to see my shadows clearly and encouraged me to stretch my capacity for love, first and foremost love towards myself.
When you have time to be with yourself you will meet the soulmate that you are truly longing for.
Who is the embodiment of your highest potential.
Who is the bliss of your own love.
Receive my 10 audio guided Sensual Self Love Meditations. Including self yoni massage, 5 yoni egg practices, breast massage, breast meditation, womb meditation and self love practice here!